Why is nothing ever real to me? I have these scenes where I know that I actually have the right to react. I have opportunities for fantastic and justified drama. I have so many things that I could cry over. I could have girl talk and ice cream, write vindictive blogs and angry emails, call my mom and get sound advice. I could be crushed, and then rise manificently above it.
Could, but can't.
My average emotional reaction lasts all of five minutes, and then I feel silly and overdramatic. I feel silly and over-dramatic now. I feel like I was cruel. The thing is, in the situation I'm in, I should by all means be the victim, but I don't feel that way at all. I can describe the situation as if I am, and can logically see everything in the world that I have not done to deserve this, and can justify whatever I have done.
But the truth is, inside I feel like a manipulative witch, who plays with fire and isn't surprised when she gets burned. Is that not the reaction I was looking for, deep down? What the hell do I want? Why can't I see the situation the way I insist upon pretending it is?
I'm destined to have sociopathic relationships for the rest of my life. Romantic suicide every time: I'll climb to the top of the pedastool and then throw myself to the ground. Do I get a rush from the fall?
But here, I overestimate the absence of emotion in you. Your reactions always surprise me. Always. I might be in some sort of sick competition with you, over the ability to desensitize. The thing is, I've practiced in circumstances that are way more extreme. Like those runners who train on mountaintops, where there's hardly any oxygen- if you can run there, then running at sea level is nothing. I don't want to win any more.
This blog makes no kind of sense to most of you, and very little sense to the rest, but I think I come off as some sort of monster with no feelings- that's not it. It's more like, I have no sympathy for myself. In my mind, I am always the perpatrator, and never the victim, even when you think that I am. I never believe it. This is actually sort of an epiphany here. No matter what the situation is, I really do always feel like I've done something wrong. I don't like going to the doctor because if I'm sick, I feel guilty. I hate asking my parents for money because I feel guilty about needing it. I can't stay mad at anyone without feeling like I deserve to be hated- that's the real reason why I hate being angry.
It's way past bedtime kids. In closing, I'm sorry.
Could, but can't.
My average emotional reaction lasts all of five minutes, and then I feel silly and overdramatic. I feel silly and over-dramatic now. I feel like I was cruel. The thing is, in the situation I'm in, I should by all means be the victim, but I don't feel that way at all. I can describe the situation as if I am, and can logically see everything in the world that I have not done to deserve this, and can justify whatever I have done.
But the truth is, inside I feel like a manipulative witch, who plays with fire and isn't surprised when she gets burned. Is that not the reaction I was looking for, deep down? What the hell do I want? Why can't I see the situation the way I insist upon pretending it is?
I'm destined to have sociopathic relationships for the rest of my life. Romantic suicide every time: I'll climb to the top of the pedastool and then throw myself to the ground. Do I get a rush from the fall?
But here, I overestimate the absence of emotion in you. Your reactions always surprise me. Always. I might be in some sort of sick competition with you, over the ability to desensitize. The thing is, I've practiced in circumstances that are way more extreme. Like those runners who train on mountaintops, where there's hardly any oxygen- if you can run there, then running at sea level is nothing. I don't want to win any more.
This blog makes no kind of sense to most of you, and very little sense to the rest, but I think I come off as some sort of monster with no feelings- that's not it. It's more like, I have no sympathy for myself. In my mind, I am always the perpatrator, and never the victim, even when you think that I am. I never believe it. This is actually sort of an epiphany here. No matter what the situation is, I really do always feel like I've done something wrong. I don't like going to the doctor because if I'm sick, I feel guilty. I hate asking my parents for money because I feel guilty about needing it. I can't stay mad at anyone without feeling like I deserve to be hated- that's the real reason why I hate being angry.
It's way past bedtime kids. In closing, I'm sorry.
3 Comments:
you have out into words a lot of things most of us cant even articulate properly. if you ever need me, although it seems like im not, i am always here. anytime, day or night. i love you.
i understand how it feels exactly, and unfortunately the one thing that can make you stop blaming yourself for everything is you. one day, i just told myself that i wasnt going to think my dad beat me because of me anymore, and i ave it all to god and walked away from it. i never bamed myself for him being angry ever again. you have to make a conscious decision to understand that everything is not your fault.
in this situation, sometimes you do like to "egg on" the emotional asshole, and then are suprised when he gets angry. however, nothing you've done justifies his actions. sometimes you aren't competely innocent, and that's understandable, but learn how to identify when things are your fault, and when they aren't at all.
1. you being sick- not your fault unless it is an STD
2. you needing money- not your fault unless you bought a hooker...wait.... no, that's a necessary purchase.
3. someone being angry at you- you figure that out.
but don't feel bad about being the victim sometimes, there is nothing wrong with feeling like someone has hurt you. feel it, cultivate it, understand what it is to be hurt unjustifiably. you'll need that later.
i love you, and some day when we're all grown up, we'll all understand how we feel all the time, and give ourselves new names.....
<3 gen
Trapped mainly by wanting things to be exactly as they are, only better.
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