What will I do when I'm left alone?
It's really starting to hit me that in less than two days, my world is going to once again dissolve, and it occurs to me that I am the only thing in my life that will be with me forever, and that makes me feel pretty lonely. Of course I have God and all that jazz, but in my mind God is a part of me, and the Christ in me is such a part of me that I consider it to be a part of my self.
It occurs to me that this Saturday we're all going to different places to be different people, and the world that is my current reality is going to be reduced to nothing more than a memory- a figment- and recording that plays differently in your memory than it does in mine, and I am so scared that without all of you to remind me and reassure me of what is real, it'll all fade into that collective idea of "who I used to be." Kind of like what St. Joe became when I moved to Deshler, and what Deshler became when I moved to Tuscaloosa.
The transition to college was so huge because I had to move my home life to the background, and school became what was real to me. Even now, I'm not uncomfortable at home, but part of me is always whispering, "This isn't where I belong any more! I belong in the lobby or asleep in the boys' room. I belong at the Ferg or Ben and Chase parties. I belong in the alcove or at the benches. I belong with my friends who know everything that I've gone through this year--who went through the same things! This girl whose pictures are all over the walls--she's a piece of me. But I'm more now. I'm constantly becoming more, and the person who you think that I am- she's less than me."
I think that when you drive away, and I'm left here alone to load my car for the last time, I might have a panic attack. I'm so scared that we'll come back in the fall, and I'll look at you all and you'll look at me, and something inside me will whisper, "This person that I think you are, he's less than you." Or she's less than you. There are so many people here who I absolutely love so much, and selfish as it is, I can already cry for the person that each of you is right now, because I know that you're going to change, and I don't want you too. Ya'll are my world, you're my belonging, you're my proof that I am not who I used to be, and I love you all so much.
Here I go again, you're not even gone yet, and I miss you insanely.
Please come back to me. Please don't topple the pillars that hold up my Modern world, let me return to find them worn or renovated, but not completely new or completely gone. I'm not ready for you to fade into antiquity yet.
Let me come back and find that you're still flighty and unreliable. That you still make me smile when you come around and make me hope that I'll have you for a long long time, even though I know that you are a vagabond at heart.
That you still look at me like I know something worth knowing, that you still can't reconcile yourself with yourself, that you still won't compromise what just seems logical.
That you still love whole heartedly.
That you still can't bite your tongue. That you still know how to bring out the best in people, and that you're still willing to put forth the effort.
That your relationship is still worth my envy and love. That in spite of the efforts of the world and yourself, you still can't help but believe in the perfect world you've always known.
That you still know how to make everyone smile. That I still get you, because I've only recently begun to understand, and it's not fair for you to be gone when I've only just started to forgive you for my being such an idiot.
Don't let me hold onto you in my heart for the whole summer only to look up in the fall and find that my arms are empty. Please come back; I can't breathe without you just yet. Please. I need you.
It's really starting to hit me that in less than two days, my world is going to once again dissolve, and it occurs to me that I am the only thing in my life that will be with me forever, and that makes me feel pretty lonely. Of course I have God and all that jazz, but in my mind God is a part of me, and the Christ in me is such a part of me that I consider it to be a part of my self.
It occurs to me that this Saturday we're all going to different places to be different people, and the world that is my current reality is going to be reduced to nothing more than a memory- a figment- and recording that plays differently in your memory than it does in mine, and I am so scared that without all of you to remind me and reassure me of what is real, it'll all fade into that collective idea of "who I used to be." Kind of like what St. Joe became when I moved to Deshler, and what Deshler became when I moved to Tuscaloosa.
The transition to college was so huge because I had to move my home life to the background, and school became what was real to me. Even now, I'm not uncomfortable at home, but part of me is always whispering, "This isn't where I belong any more! I belong in the lobby or asleep in the boys' room. I belong at the Ferg or Ben and Chase parties. I belong in the alcove or at the benches. I belong with my friends who know everything that I've gone through this year--who went through the same things! This girl whose pictures are all over the walls--she's a piece of me. But I'm more now. I'm constantly becoming more, and the person who you think that I am- she's less than me."
I think that when you drive away, and I'm left here alone to load my car for the last time, I might have a panic attack. I'm so scared that we'll come back in the fall, and I'll look at you all and you'll look at me, and something inside me will whisper, "This person that I think you are, he's less than you." Or she's less than you. There are so many people here who I absolutely love so much, and selfish as it is, I can already cry for the person that each of you is right now, because I know that you're going to change, and I don't want you too. Ya'll are my world, you're my belonging, you're my proof that I am not who I used to be, and I love you all so much.
Here I go again, you're not even gone yet, and I miss you insanely.
Please come back to me. Please don't topple the pillars that hold up my Modern world, let me return to find them worn or renovated, but not completely new or completely gone. I'm not ready for you to fade into antiquity yet.
Let me come back and find that you're still flighty and unreliable. That you still make me smile when you come around and make me hope that I'll have you for a long long time, even though I know that you are a vagabond at heart.
That you still look at me like I know something worth knowing, that you still can't reconcile yourself with yourself, that you still won't compromise what just seems logical.
That you still love whole heartedly.
That you still can't bite your tongue. That you still know how to bring out the best in people, and that you're still willing to put forth the effort.
That your relationship is still worth my envy and love. That in spite of the efforts of the world and yourself, you still can't help but believe in the perfect world you've always known.
That you still know how to make everyone smile. That I still get you, because I've only recently begun to understand, and it's not fair for you to be gone when I've only just started to forgive you for my being such an idiot.
Don't let me hold onto you in my heart for the whole summer only to look up in the fall and find that my arms are empty. Please come back; I can't breathe without you just yet. Please. I need you.
1 Comments:
Lindsey...that was incredibly moving. My hope for you is that you remain as awesome, caring, compassionate, and well-written as you are...so we can truly discover the secret of the universe of kittens!
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