(maybe you're right)
Why is it that some things just will not die. I'm driving myself insane. I have a million immediate things that I could be turning over in my mind. A million reasons just significant enough to have my head swimming.
But am I worried about my paper that's due tomorrow? Nope. And I have right at 12 hours to write it. Am I worried about the speeding ticket that I have to pay in less than three weeks? Nope. And I have less that half of the money to pay it. Am I worried about the 27 thousand reading assignments that I have yet to do? About my ridiculous social situations and lack of any stable routine? About where I'll live next year or what in the world I want to do with my life?
Why worry torture yourself about the future when you'll never unlock yesterday's chains? There's always that one moment- that moment that happened in an instant, and yet continues to happen even to this day. The moment when I could've said, "You get the fuck out of my family. We're perfect. We don't need any additions, we don't need your shit, we have love to spare, but not for you. Never for you."
But that's not what I said. That's not what I did. Anything. Everything. I shattered my own beautiful family- I insisted that love was never anything but good. I wedged you into cracks (still tight enough to hold water), so that now the remnants are hardly recognizable as pieces of a whole. I demanded that you be trusted.
Of all the fucking false convictions. It never stops. There isn't enough super glue in the world to repair what you did- what I did. And the truth is, there isn't absoluteion real enough to convince me that I'm not to blame. Oh sure, not completely, but, if not for my part, would she have ever gone as far as she did?
Just another manic monday kids. Thanks for being my escape.
Why is it that some things just will not die. I'm driving myself insane. I have a million immediate things that I could be turning over in my mind. A million reasons just significant enough to have my head swimming.
But am I worried about my paper that's due tomorrow? Nope. And I have right at 12 hours to write it. Am I worried about the speeding ticket that I have to pay in less than three weeks? Nope. And I have less that half of the money to pay it. Am I worried about the 27 thousand reading assignments that I have yet to do? About my ridiculous social situations and lack of any stable routine? About where I'll live next year or what in the world I want to do with my life?
Why worry torture yourself about the future when you'll never unlock yesterday's chains? There's always that one moment- that moment that happened in an instant, and yet continues to happen even to this day. The moment when I could've said, "You get the fuck out of my family. We're perfect. We don't need any additions, we don't need your shit, we have love to spare, but not for you. Never for you."
But that's not what I said. That's not what I did. Anything. Everything. I shattered my own beautiful family- I insisted that love was never anything but good. I wedged you into cracks (still tight enough to hold water), so that now the remnants are hardly recognizable as pieces of a whole. I demanded that you be trusted.
Of all the fucking false convictions. It never stops. There isn't enough super glue in the world to repair what you did- what I did. And the truth is, there isn't absoluteion real enough to convince me that I'm not to blame. Oh sure, not completely, but, if not for my part, would she have ever gone as far as she did?
Just another manic monday kids. Thanks for being my escape.
2 Comments:
the sickest and most painful of all emotions- betrayed.
i promise this will all turn out okay, but for right now, it's okay to be hurt and it's okay to be angry as hell and okay to cry for no real reason- because deep down there are plenty of real reasons.
i'm here if you need me, sorry if i was distant last night, i was in a strange place. all is well, come to me when you need me.
it's okay to be you, and ONLY blame yourself for things that have to do with you. which this doesn't.
one day you'll get it. one day this will al lbe over and everything will be as it should be. trust in yourself and trust in god that the world will, one day, right itself.
<3 gen
What if we all got along & people loved each other & sang songs about peace? he said. Would that be a good world? & I said I didn't know about that, but it would be a good summer camp & he looked at me & shook his head & said, It's no wonder you're leaving us with such a mess.
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