In case you forgot, my middle name is Jayne spelled with a "y," and in first grade, my student of the month certificate said that I was a joy to have in the classroom. I liked to wear dresses, because that meant I had to sit Indian-style on the carpet; I could put my legs to the side like I liked if I was wearing a dress. I faked sick all of the time because I hated P.E, and Miss Harris (who wanted to be called Mrs. Simpon, but I couldn't ever remember, or else could remember, but thought that Harris is a much more elegant name than Simpson, and I always thought that she was a very elegant lady) gave me private lessons on how to tie my shoe. I never could tell left from right though... Still can't. I lied about being allergic to chocolate because I didn't like chocolate, so I got to each orange push pops instead.
In third grade I was positive that I was going to be a writer, I told Mrs. Watkins that I would send her the first autographed copy of my book, and I still think that I will, if I ever write a book. I played on the monkey bars with Mikey and Joseph Santos every day, and I read Piers Anthony novels ever though I wasn't allowed to. I told the twins the stories and they told me the stories of the video games that they played, and we made this fantastic game of it, where Mikey's name was Master Shredder- but not like the guy from Ninja Turtles. I had a name to but I've forgotten it, which is why I'm writing to myself- so that maybe things that I should remember but don't will come back to me, and I'll know where I left whatever it is that I left behind, and when I have it again you'll know, and I'll tell you all of the secret answers to the secret problems. See when I made the world I made the answers first and the questions second, and a thousand extra answers too, just in case.
In forth grade I wanted to be a ballerina, but my mom begged me to play basketball, and I did. Defense was my favorite. In sixth grade I discovered that if you are nice to people, they are nice back, and that if you talk to people about themselves, they will find you to be very understanding. That's really the secret you know, everyone in the world is dying to tell their story, and, truth be told, they don't care if you really get the story, so long a you just understand how very desperate they are to tell it, and how vital it is that they can. Once you understand that, if they are the kind of people I generally fall in love with, the actual story part is pretty irrelevant, but it tends to be entertaining anyway.
I used to purposely sleep during history, and feign spiteful indifference so that when I made A's it was that much more impressive. It was never enough for me to just be the best; people had to think it was easy for me. When I went to high school I was very lonely, and I missed my friends. I learned manipulation and people-pleasing. I learned how to make someone love you so much that nothing else matters to them. I can't do it anymore because I don't have the stomach for it, but I know, and that's enough to make me kind of sick. I can see when you're doing it and I could tell you the mistakes you're making, but I usually don't because you don't even know that you're doing it. Anyway, you think it will make you happy but it won't, and you'll actually probably never know that unless you're good enough at it to make the world stop for you, and then you'll only miss the spinning.
Anyway I learned that, and I listen to good music and I get things. I don't need a boy to be secure, and I forget how much class I ought to have some times and don't. I'm remembering a lot of things this year that I had forgotten, about grace and eloquence and things that are deeper than you think and more important than basic needs if we're ever going to get any where, if the goal is actually distance at all and if it's not then this could very well be very unreasonable. But I do think that the goal must be something like that, or that the only way to achieve the real goal is to have that sort of illusion goal in mind, and then once you get there you understand- not because you're there but because you're at least not where you used to be.
See, I don't really so much want to get to a place I used to be, I just want this to be one of those places.
Maybe the answer is that I'm the answer, that I, being made in His image, was very much thinking like Him when I created the world, and so like I said before, there are a hundred thousand answers that don't have questions yet, and maybe I'm one of those answers.
In third grade I was positive that I was going to be a writer, I told Mrs. Watkins that I would send her the first autographed copy of my book, and I still think that I will, if I ever write a book. I played on the monkey bars with Mikey and Joseph Santos every day, and I read Piers Anthony novels ever though I wasn't allowed to. I told the twins the stories and they told me the stories of the video games that they played, and we made this fantastic game of it, where Mikey's name was Master Shredder- but not like the guy from Ninja Turtles. I had a name to but I've forgotten it, which is why I'm writing to myself- so that maybe things that I should remember but don't will come back to me, and I'll know where I left whatever it is that I left behind, and when I have it again you'll know, and I'll tell you all of the secret answers to the secret problems. See when I made the world I made the answers first and the questions second, and a thousand extra answers too, just in case.
In forth grade I wanted to be a ballerina, but my mom begged me to play basketball, and I did. Defense was my favorite. In sixth grade I discovered that if you are nice to people, they are nice back, and that if you talk to people about themselves, they will find you to be very understanding. That's really the secret you know, everyone in the world is dying to tell their story, and, truth be told, they don't care if you really get the story, so long a you just understand how very desperate they are to tell it, and how vital it is that they can. Once you understand that, if they are the kind of people I generally fall in love with, the actual story part is pretty irrelevant, but it tends to be entertaining anyway.
I used to purposely sleep during history, and feign spiteful indifference so that when I made A's it was that much more impressive. It was never enough for me to just be the best; people had to think it was easy for me. When I went to high school I was very lonely, and I missed my friends. I learned manipulation and people-pleasing. I learned how to make someone love you so much that nothing else matters to them. I can't do it anymore because I don't have the stomach for it, but I know, and that's enough to make me kind of sick. I can see when you're doing it and I could tell you the mistakes you're making, but I usually don't because you don't even know that you're doing it. Anyway, you think it will make you happy but it won't, and you'll actually probably never know that unless you're good enough at it to make the world stop for you, and then you'll only miss the spinning.
Anyway I learned that, and I listen to good music and I get things. I don't need a boy to be secure, and I forget how much class I ought to have some times and don't. I'm remembering a lot of things this year that I had forgotten, about grace and eloquence and things that are deeper than you think and more important than basic needs if we're ever going to get any where, if the goal is actually distance at all and if it's not then this could very well be very unreasonable. But I do think that the goal must be something like that, or that the only way to achieve the real goal is to have that sort of illusion goal in mind, and then once you get there you understand- not because you're there but because you're at least not where you used to be.
See, I don't really so much want to get to a place I used to be, I just want this to be one of those places.
Maybe the answer is that I'm the answer, that I, being made in His image, was very much thinking like Him when I created the world, and so like I said before, there are a hundred thousand answers that don't have questions yet, and maybe I'm one of those answers.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home