I've been at Camp McDowell for almost a month straight. Is that a good thing or a bad thing or a nothing thing? I think it's a good thing.
I really miss my friends from Tuscaloosa a whole lot. I miss my life in Tuscaloosa. At the same time, this summer is exactly what I need.
I absolutely cannot go back to school this fall and for get who I am all over again--cause that's what keeps happening to me, and it's more trouble than it's worth to tell you the truth. I figure out who I am, and I get really ok with that, and then I slowly start to forget little things about who I am--like first I might forget whether or not I like for my toenails to be painted, or exactly which place on my neck I like to be kissed--and then I forget more and more little things until one day when I check in my "self archives" (which should be completely full, because, hello, if I don't keep up with me then who will?!) and I find that they're in complete disarray, and I have to start figuring myself out all over again, and I end up having to rewrite a lot of things that I know I already had figured out before. It's not that I mind rewriting,--that's very important and we should all rewrite as often as needed-- but when I can't remember what was ever there in the first place, there's a problem. Is this entirely too complicated to make sense? It makes sense in my head.
Anyway, by the end of this summer I should have things strait again, although my freshman year of college was something like a hurricane that occurred inside me. Which is ok, because I've had worse internal disasters before, particularly earthquakes. I've also discovered though, that when I'm in sorting mode, like I am right now, I have trouble summoning up the kind of emphatic and rapid excitement that you kids might be expecting.
Also, I kind of think that I just don't have it in me any more. I can't feel my kindred Mercury in my blood. I'm not intense and emotional anymore. I feel pretty calm actually. Centered even. Maybe my fever is gone?
I don't want it to be.
I leave for the beach tomorrow, and I'm pretty darn excited. Hopefully I'll stay strong in my efforts to not get a tan, mostly because I love the irony of being ultra concerned about skin cancer while smoking cigarettes. Which, P. S. I did not do for 10 days and was absolutely fine, thereby proving my point that I am not, in fact, addicted.
We'll see how I do with the SPF protection.
I really miss my friends from Tuscaloosa a whole lot. I miss my life in Tuscaloosa. At the same time, this summer is exactly what I need.
I absolutely cannot go back to school this fall and for get who I am all over again--cause that's what keeps happening to me, and it's more trouble than it's worth to tell you the truth. I figure out who I am, and I get really ok with that, and then I slowly start to forget little things about who I am--like first I might forget whether or not I like for my toenails to be painted, or exactly which place on my neck I like to be kissed--and then I forget more and more little things until one day when I check in my "self archives" (which should be completely full, because, hello, if I don't keep up with me then who will?!) and I find that they're in complete disarray, and I have to start figuring myself out all over again, and I end up having to rewrite a lot of things that I know I already had figured out before. It's not that I mind rewriting,--that's very important and we should all rewrite as often as needed-- but when I can't remember what was ever there in the first place, there's a problem. Is this entirely too complicated to make sense? It makes sense in my head.
Anyway, by the end of this summer I should have things strait again, although my freshman year of college was something like a hurricane that occurred inside me. Which is ok, because I've had worse internal disasters before, particularly earthquakes. I've also discovered though, that when I'm in sorting mode, like I am right now, I have trouble summoning up the kind of emphatic and rapid excitement that you kids might be expecting.
Also, I kind of think that I just don't have it in me any more. I can't feel my kindred Mercury in my blood. I'm not intense and emotional anymore. I feel pretty calm actually. Centered even. Maybe my fever is gone?
I don't want it to be.
I leave for the beach tomorrow, and I'm pretty darn excited. Hopefully I'll stay strong in my efforts to not get a tan, mostly because I love the irony of being ultra concerned about skin cancer while smoking cigarettes. Which, P. S. I did not do for 10 days and was absolutely fine, thereby proving my point that I am not, in fact, addicted.
We'll see how I do with the SPF protection.
1 Comments:
Well, as long as you don't forget your role as Empress of the Universe. That'd be one tough rewrite.
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