If They Try to Tell You Love Fades With Time, Then Tell Them There's No Such Thing as Time.

This is quite possibley my last post for a while, ladies and gentlemen.. I know, I know, you're fantastically and inconsoably stricken with enormous grief. But, fear not, because I shall return with lots of new incite and excitment for your reading pleasure.

For those of you who truly truly love me, you can send me a letter or a package!

Lindsey Mullen
c\o Camp McDowell
105 DeLong Rd.
Nauvoo, AL 35578

OR, better yet, you can come visit me, or call me and invite me to visit you, and I will certainly do my best to do so! Here's a link to camp schedule... The days when there are no sessions are the days that I am off. BUT, should you call me sometime when I am in session you may simply leave be a message, and rest assured that if I love you enough, then I will return your phone call.

Wonderful people today for too short of a visit. I'll miss you kids :(.

It's going to be an exciting summer though, and I'm sure it will absolutely fly by. And I'll be seeing you all in less than 3 months, right?

Between now and then, until I see you again, I'll be loving you.

Love, Me.

We're Just Dancing in the Dark.

Strait A's bitches.
AND I'm going to Montgomery tomorrow!
AND I'm leaving for camp on Friday
AND I get to see my sister for the first time in forever.
AND I just got all of these totally sweet posters for free.
AND I got a shoutout on Sarah Widgeon's blog.
AND I got to have a 2 hour lunch with one Blair Bowens, the coolest cat on the block.
AND I got to see my little sister drugged out on morphine like a champion.

I feel like one hundred dollars.

So Would I Be Out of Line if I Said "I Miss You"?

One of the great things about everyone being estranged from one another is that everyone updates their blogs, and that's fantastically exciting, but also kind of tragic, because everyone is missing each other so much.

It's weird how there are different ways of missing people. Like, when you miss someone, and you know that they miss you back--well that's really hard because you both know that the other misses you too, but there's noting you can do about it. This kind of missing makes you really upset about circumstances, but at the same time, you at least know that you're missed too, and I think that's comforting.

And then there's the kind of missing people where you know that they're doing something really exciting, so it's not that they don't miss you, but they're not thinking about you. This one sucks--well, they all suck, but this one in particular--because you get that awful realization that life goes on without you. And that people seem to have just as much fun when you're gone.
Sometimes when I get in this situation I have to convince myself, and later, whomever I was missing, that I was having a fabulous time as well--probably a more fabulous time than he or she was having. That makes me feel a little better, especially because sometimes when you convince yourself that you're having fun, you actually have more fun than you thought you would. But overall, it's a pretty silly tactic.

There's also the pretty painful kind of missing that you feel when you want to be with someone who does not want to be with you. The fact that he (I'm going to just start using "he" instead of "he or she." I'm not PC ok, but I pronoun anecendents are a petpeeve) Anyway, the fact that he doesn't want to be with you when you do want to be with him makes you feel very unloved and unhappy. The worst part about this one is that you're not going to get to be with this person again, so the only way to stop missing him is to hate him, which is pretty much not fair, but oh well.

Then there's the kind of missing someone when you know he's not coming back. Actually, that was just a euphimism. What I meant was, "Then there's the kind of missing someone when he's dead." The other kinds of missing someone aren't even in the league with this one, and I'm not going to talk about it really because that's aother post for another day altogether.

These all still have that common feeling though. It's like you can't stop sighinh in your head, and every single though you have is followed by a tiny little esacpe of breath- a tiny little reminder that someone who should be with you is not. Sometimes you just stop missing people, but I think that other times the sighs of your thoughts just get to be somethings you don't notice, kind of like a clock that's constantly ticking. BUT once the missing is finally over, you definitely remember what life was like before that, and what a fantastic relief.

Er.. this post made me feel better and worse at the same time. I feel better about people I miss in the first way, but worse about people I miss in the last way.

hmm... sigh...

With These Revisions, and Gaps in History--

The responses I received for my last blog were some kind of wonderful.

I appreciate it a lot.

I'm really not as emo as you think though; I think might come off as depressed and angsty sometimes, but there are a lot of good things going on in my life too. But to quote a Rilo Kiley song, "no one wants to pay to see your happiness." I feel the need to keep you kids updated on my spurts of Conoresqe (that's right, I just invented a word...) emotion.

Bowl of Oranges is really it though, and I know it!

Everyone else seems to be giving the "one chapter of my life over..." post, but I don't think I will at the moment, seeing as I am excessively tired.

I will, however, recap the last few months at a later time. Right now I'm just too damn tired.

I Survive on the Breath You Are Finished With.

What will I do when I'm left alone?

It's really starting to hit me that in less than two days, my world is going to once again dissolve, and it occurs to me that I am the only thing in my life that will be with me forever, and that makes me feel pretty lonely. Of course I have God and all that jazz, but in my mind God is a part of me, and the Christ in me is such a part of me that I consider it to be a part of my self.

It occurs to me that this Saturday we're all going to different places to be different people, and the world that is my current reality is going to be reduced to nothing more than a memory- a figment- and recording that plays differently in your memory than it does in mine, and I am so scared that without all of you to remind me and reassure me of what is real, it'll all fade into that collective idea of "who I used to be." Kind of like what St. Joe became when I moved to Deshler, and what Deshler became when I moved to Tuscaloosa.

The transition to college was so huge because I had to move my home life to the background, and school became what was real to me. Even now, I'm not uncomfortable at home, but part of me is always whispering, "This isn't where I belong any more! I belong in the lobby or asleep in the boys' room. I belong at the Ferg or Ben and Chase parties. I belong in the alcove or at the benches. I belong with my friends who know everything that I've gone through this year--who went through the same things! This girl whose pictures are all over the walls--she's a piece of me. But I'm more now. I'm constantly becoming more, and the person who you think that I am- she's less than me."

I think that when you drive away, and I'm left here alone to load my car for the last time, I might have a panic attack. I'm so scared that we'll come back in the fall, and I'll look at you all and you'll look at me, and something inside me will whisper, "This person that I think you are, he's less than you." Or she's less than you. There are so many people here who I absolutely love so much, and selfish as it is, I can already cry for the person that each of you is right now, because I know that you're going to change, and I don't want you too. Ya'll are my world, you're my belonging, you're my proof that I am not who I used to be, and I love you all so much.

Here I go again, you're not even gone yet, and I miss you insanely.

Please come back to me. Please don't topple the pillars that hold up my Modern world, let me return to find them worn or renovated, but not completely new or completely gone. I'm not ready for you to fade into antiquity yet.

Let me come back and find that you're still flighty and unreliable. That you still make me smile when you come around and make me hope that I'll have you for a long long time, even though I know that you are a vagabond at heart.

That you still look at me like I know something worth knowing, that you still can't reconcile yourself with yourself, that you still won't compromise what just seems logical.

That you still love whole heartedly.

That you still can't bite your tongue. That you still know how to bring out the best in people, and that you're still willing to put forth the effort.

That your relationship is still worth my envy and love. That in spite of the efforts of the world and yourself, you still can't help but believe in the perfect world you've always known.

That you still know how to make everyone smile. That I still get you, because I've only recently begun to understand, and it's not fair for you to be gone when I've only just started to forgive you for my being such an idiot.

Don't let me hold onto you in my heart for the whole summer only to look up in the fall and find that my arms are empty. Please come back; I can't breathe without you just yet. Please. I need you.

I Spent the Whole Day Writing This Wrong.

Exams exams... how unfun you are!

At the beginning of this school year I remember having a very heartfelt conversation about genuine knowledge, and how awful it was that everyone in college doesn't really want to know, they just want to pass. I thought that college was my chance to really search for answers to life, to read good books and learn processes and celebrate knowing.

Fuck that.

I mean, don't disregard it completely. It's very noble and very exciting to think that there might actually be simple answers to all of our complicated questions. But the thing is, why do we need the answers at all?

Somewhere along the way I picked up this notion that there was some point I am trying to reach- some certain thing that I have to learn and then life will start. Then I would be real. Sometimes I think of it as getting back to something, like at some point I would find what I lost, and sometimes I think of it as something I never had, but I know people who have, or who do.

But really, life is already, and it's as simple as that. I know how childish and silly and selfish it is for me to look at life and just say, "I want to be happy, and that's it," but if you want honesty than that's it. I want quiet, simple, fantastically exciting and excited happiness.

Nor The Arrow That Flies By Day

At the end of the day, when I am lying in bed and I know the chances of any of our theology being exactly right are a million to one, I need to know that God has things figured out, that if my math is wrong we are still going to be okay. And wonder is that feeling we get when we let go of our silly answers, our mapped out rules that we want God to follow. I don't think there is any better worship than wonder.

- Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz

(stolen from Austin Kendrick's profile)

I'll Be Captivated, I'll Hang from Your Lips

Worth it. So totally worth it.