Tuesday, March 28, 2006
I Think I Like It?
My army recruiter guy from high school just called me (I guess to check and see if I had decided that I need to be in the army after all. When I answered the phone he told me who he was, and then he was like, "You know, I had forgotten which student you were, but now I remember; you're the one who's always excited."

Yep... I'm pretty much excited more often than I'm unexcited. So much so that it's pretty remarkable to me when I don't have anything to be excited about.

I think that's pretty exciting.


Monday, March 27, 2006
So Much for 40 Days of High Self-Esteem
I feel so... unpretty.


Saturday, March 25, 2006
We Have a Problem with No Solution But To Love and To Be Loved.
Back to school tomorrow. And, contrary to last post, I am remarkabley... unexcited.

I guess I'll be happy when I get there, because I do miss some people, but every other time I've been here I've really missed Tuscaloosa. I haven't even left here yet but this time I already miss home. Kind of. I miss Tala and Maggie and Blair and Shayla and Loni and my family. I miss Bo and Bella and Bosco and my yard and my view of the sunset. I miss having nothing to do. I miss my dad's breakfast. I miss driving to Deshler to shoot basketball or play tennis. I miss bus rides with the basketball team.

I miss not missing anything or anyone.

Will there ever be a time in my life when I don't miss? Probably not.

When things really suck, I don't do the whole longing for the past thing. I miss things being the way they are before they're even the way they're not. I miss my favorite eyeshadow before it's even used up. I miss my favorite relationships while they're exactly the way I want them. As soon as Thanksgiving is over I start to miss Christmas Eve, and after New Year's comes I already miss wearing winter clothes. I miss Bo because I'm afraid he's going to die, and I miss Bosco and Bella because I think they're going to run away. And as soon as I forget to miss something while I have it, it's gone, and then I miss it anyway!

I have this remarkable concept that things could always be worse; it's a great thing to know right? But I tend to get "things could be worse" confused with "things will be worse," which is obviously ridiculous because if things were always getting worse then my life would be one continuous downward staircase, and it's not, in fact, lately things seem to be getting nothing but better...

But do you ever just feel like you're always waiting for the bottom to fall out?

Cause I do. All the time.


Friday, March 24, 2006
And I Just Can't Hide It
Weeeeeee! I am so excited about staffing Camp McDowell this summer. I'm excited about it being summer at all. I'm excited about seeing everybody on Sunday! I'm excited about my classes for next semester! I'm really excited that there's going to be "A Softer World" book! I'm excited that my sister won a bicycle! I'm excited that my other sister is going to be the prettiest girl at the prom! Again I say, "Weeeeee!" I'm excited!


Monday, March 20, 2006
Swallow It Down (What a Jagged Little Pill).
I read Grace's blog, religiously, so I am offcially tagged to list 6 weird things about myself... Let's see if I can think of six...

1. Ok, every time I drive home from Tuscaloosa, I am absolutely certain that I'm going to have a wreck and die, and I think about who will come to my funeral and what they will say. I think about all the things I don't want people to say too. Don't you dare say that I'm going to heaven because of my faith in Christ. If that's what's getting me to heaven, I want no part of it.

2. I don't believe in hell- that's pretty weird. I consider myself a Christian though... I just think that grace is for everyone, whether he earns it or wants it or whatever. I think that's kind of the point.

3. I don't like tomato soup or potato salad, but every time I see them I try them anyway. So far I still don't like them, but I think that they're both really good ideas, and I don't want to miss out on them in case they ever become my favorite food.

4. I'm pretty compulsive about pronoun anecedents.

5. I get really hung up on names, especially names of bands. It takes a lot for me to listen to a band if I don't like the name. I wouldn't listen to Deathcab for Cutie forever; I still have to talk myself into it some times.

6. Starting this year, I listen to Christmas music year round. I always resisted the urge before, but I decided not to turn them off this year. I mean, if I die in my 20's, I want to know that "Jingle Bell Rock" has been a big part of my life. Also, "Carol of the Bells."

So, there you have it. That was easier than I thought; I can actually think of more things to list than that!

So, I now tag

  1. Rachel
  2. Genevieve
  3. Matt Wujcik
  4. Ryan Cooper
  5. Ryan Spain
  6. Sarah Widgeon

If none of ya'll do then I'll cry, and egg your car. If you don't have a car, I'll egg your face.

Also, I'm in Ohio right now. Laura and I drove 13 hours today! I'll probably do a really long road trip post later though, so I'm not going to fill you in right now. I will say that I'm going to Canada tomorrow though.



Friday, March 17, 2006
Here in Our Hollow We Fuse Like a Family, But I Will Not Mourn for You.
Home home...

There's nothing like going back some place to gage how much you've changed. But I think the truth is, if you stay long enough, you'll remember yourself, and you'll realize that you're no so much changed as you thought. My life is a series of such remembrance.

I spent my first semester in college surrounded by boys. Boys, boys, boys, every time I looked around me it was nothing but boys. It seemed like for every girl friend I had I could list at least 3 guys. Which was actually okay, and fun, and wonderful really. Mostly fun, and very educational. With three sisters and a long-term boyfriend all throughout high school, last semester was the first time I really had guy-friends. I learned a lot.

It wasn't until I started hanging out with girls again that I realized how much I did, and didn't miss them. Of course there was Genevieve last semester, and she's a wonderful exception to most of the girl negatives, which is why I don't count her, or count her more, or something like that. Actually Ryan too is an exception to the general boy rules. And there will always be my sisters.


But anyway, the great thing about girls is, first of all, there's no sexual tension. That's pretty sweet. Also, girls love to tell you about their problems and genuinely want advice, which I enjoy to a certain extent. Mostly because when they do tell you their problems, you don't have to dance around the fact that they have ulterior sexual motives, because boys pretty much always do, if you ask me. Well, girls do have ulterior motives some times, and that can be pretty painful because I tend to believe that they're genuinely there for me... I've been proven wrong on that one more than once- I really hope that I've never done that to someone I loved. Anyway, there's also that girls love to listen... heh, I guess I just proved that I'm a pretty good example of that.

But, what I mean is, girls love for other people to have drama, and excitement, and they love to be involved in it. It can be disheartening when you have some sort of fantastic melodrama and all you get is a shrug or a 'want me to kill him?' or something to that effect. I don't fault guys for it, they're just not programmed to care about that sort of thing.

The bad thing is, girls will tend to take the drama thing too far, as I'm sure you all know, and sometimes you have to tell them that it's time to chill the fuck out. But, seeing as I have a pretty fantasmic group of lady friends at the moment, such reminders are pretty rare, and I'm really loving having girl friends again.

I don't think that girls care more, but I do think that they are aware of the fact that people need to be reminded that you care. They make me feel better about myself, and help me remember to show other people that I care too.

I ♥ girls.


Wednesday, March 15, 2006
This Makes Me Smile for Someone I Don't Know


Over My Shoulder A Piano Falls, Crashing to the Ground
I'm about to start making CDs for mine and Laura's roadtrip!

song and band suggestions please?


Tuesday, March 14, 2006
We Must Hang Out in the Belfry Where the Bats in Moonlight Laugh
Wonderful wonderful day... moral forum = amazing...

Bright Eyes, also = amazing. The video for Bottom of Everything... I love it.


Monday, March 13, 2006
I Just Want Someone to Say to Me, "I'll Always Be There When You Wane"
wax Audio pronunciation of "wax" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (wks)
intr.v. waxed, wax·ing, wax·es
  1. To show a progressively larger illuminated area, as the moon does in passing from new to full.
wane Audio pronunciation of "wane" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (wn)
intr.v. waned, wan·ing, wanes
  1. To exhibit a decreasing illuminated area from full moon to new moon.

I wax and wane like a motherfucker, if I do say so myself.


Thursday, March 09, 2006
So Take This Moment, Mary Jane, and Be Selfish.
Oh me...

What a trip this week has been!

Stressful... but in a good way. Moral Forum... totally worth it.

I feel like there's a lot of stuff I should write about... new friendships, old friendships, friendships that are fading fast and I just don't care the way I used to. It sounds bad, but you have no idea what a relief it is to not care. A kind of sad relief, the way you feel at the end of really hectic vacation. Like, it was wonderful and you loved it, and of course if you had the option you would probably stay for two more weeks, but at the same time, you're just ready to get back to a place where things make sense.

Things are making more and more sense every day, and it's like waking up from a weird dream, and once again relief! I think it's really because of school work, because of actually applying myself and remembering that when I do that, I'm good at this whole academic thing. I think I forgot that I'm good at things.

I'm also getting some real ideas about what I want to do with my life. I'm thinking of a double major in social work and philosophy. I want to advocate social reform. I want to help people, but on a big scale, and I'm excited about it.

Things are good.


Monday, March 06, 2006
So You Plant Your Own Garden and Decorate Your Own Soul, Instead of Waiting for Someone to Bring You Flowers.
"Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the overcompensations for misery. And, of course, stability isn't nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation or a fatal overthrow by passion or doubt. Happiness is never grand."

- Brave New World


Some times happiness is a decision... some times sadness is too.

Today, I pick happiness. I'm finding rest in the permanence of the sky. I'm wrapping myself up in my own prayers. I'm losing myself in the immense love that I have for the world, and finding myself in the people who care back.

Hello, World? I refuse to underestimate my own worth. I refuse to be defined by someone else's love, and I refuse to pretend that things are worse than they are. I refuse to sweat it.

God, we've got it great right now kids. No work, no children, nothing to do but learn and play. If you can't be happy now, well, you're fooling yourself into thinking it's for any reason other than that you don't want to be happy. What makes you think that anyone in the world feels any less than you do? Grow up.


Sunday, March 05, 2006
You'll be Better, You'll be Smarter, More Brought Up and A Better Daughter...
For the past three hours I've been preparing for debate where I have to argue both for and against the legalization of physician-assisted suicide.
The more I work on either side, the more I decide the opposing view is wrong. So, even though I seem to have gotten a good bit done, my only real conclusions on the matter have pretty much nothing whatsoever to do with physician assisted suicide.

My Conclusions
  1. As highly debated as this topic is, chances are, you don't know enough about it to form an intelligent opinion, and that's probably the case in most hot-button issues. I was strongly n favor of PAS at the beginning, and, from an ethical standpoint, I still am. However, there is huge potential for abuse of it, and empirical data does show that these abuses are likely. So, with this in mind, I'm not going to discuss anything like this with anyone unless I feel the need to first research both sides for about 6 hours.
  2. Even if you've done the six-hours of research, I might not necessarily think that your opinion is intelligent. Now more than ever, I understand that if you think there's a clearcut answer, you're wrong.
  3. There's no Christian standpoint on anything, much less a Judeo-Christian standpoint. Christianity pretty much corners the market on ambiguity. That's probably why so many people are Christians... you can justify any belief with the bible. Separation of church and state aside, if you try to form an intelligent argument using Christianity, I hope you fall over dead. That all comes down to interpretation of a work with questionable influences.
  4. If you're my debate partner, and you try to use a Christian argument, after I give you a book about the dissenting views of Christianity, not only do I hope you fall over dead, I hope that in hell you have to research for all of eternity. Also, in the event that you spontaneously die, I hope they give us an evaluation form at the end of class, an I hope you make an F-.
  5. And my greatest conclusion is, aside from the fact that I have to make an A, I really don't fucking care about physician assisted suicide. Legal or illegal, nothing can stop you from gassing yourself in your garage, and moral or immoral, it's your eternity. It's not like anything ever gets fucking done anyway. I don't care. I do not care. I don't care.

Ok, that's not true. I do care, but it's not relevant to me because I realistically do not have the power to change anything. And this seems like a huge exercise in futility. Woo hoo, you won both sides, and you still don't have an opinion. I am very frustrated, and in a bad mood.

This weekend was fun, but also emotionally taxing. Some things never go away, and just when you think they have, there they are, sitting 2 rows behind you, yelling like a goddamn idiot. My wish to hurt you back is so overwhelming that I can taste it. How can you let something go when it changed everything, and continues to change things?



Friday, March 03, 2006
Pretty Much Hilarious
http://www.asofterworld.com/leaving.jpg


Sings the Tune Without the Words and Never Stops At All
From last Saturday to this Saturday... this has been a spectacular week. Here's why:

1. Spending the night with Grace, Andrew, and other Special Session kids = bad ass. Also, amaretto sours pretty much make my life.

2. Commentary on Meagan's game with Grace + seeing Ms. Blair Bowens and meeting her latest heart throb... wonderful.

3. Of course Bo, he's basically the center of my universe.

5. Trial of The Stranger is going to be very exciting, and Moral Forum debate is looking like it's going to go well. These things make me really consider law school, which is very cool.

6. Marti Gras and Captain Dickhead. Lots of fun.

7. Ash Wednesday and catching up with Emily. I didn't realize how much I've missed her, and Elizabeth too. AND Shayla, the most exciting person currently on the planet. If you don't know these ladies, you should be jealous.

8. Wednesday was just a great day all together. Good for Wednesday.

9. Genevieve and Laura. I love having girls to depend on. Also, girls who can talk about boy crushes and girl crushes without being weird. And I'm living with Genny next semester. Bad ass.

10. Adriana Lima... girl crush.


11. Blount was incredible today. Allen Ginsberg and Virgina Woolf... beautiful.

12. I downloaded Castle of the Winds. Fuck yes.

13. Beautiful weather, puppies on the quad, the computer lab at the library, the food at Burke, sleeping through 2 classes... today was wonderful.

14. Tommorrow promises to be wonderfully calm, maybe a picnic day?

15. Meagan (and maybe Grace is I can ever get in touch with her?) coming this weekend. I miss Meagan like crazy. I feel like I haven't spent time with her in years.

Thank God for this week. I needed it.


Wednesday, March 01, 2006
I Want to Get Myself Attached to Something Bolted Down...
So that these winds of circumstance won't keep blowing me around.
From when I land to when I leave there is enough time to sleep and sing.
I keep running when all I want is to lay motionless.


One of these days I'm going to get myself...

BUT, for now, I just have to ride the waves of my emotions, and today, ladies and gentlemen, I'm riding high. For the past few months I've been doing this thing where I fall in love with people. I mean, just anyone at all. (Well... people that I've actually met at least, not short acquaintances or facebook pals...) Whoa, one day nothing, the next day I think that you're the greatest thing since Flintstone vitamins.

Usually I kind of fall out of these phases on my own... It must be pretty tough to keep up with my infatuations. Anyways, I don't fall into terrific fits of depression and sadness or really think that I'm missing out on true love... not my cup of tea, and I tend to think that it's pretty funny when you kids do that. Except maybe I won't make fun of you in my head anymore, because this time I really was pretty sad. Albeit this was a particularly messy situation... still, things can hurt for no reason.

But ANYWAY I woke up this morning and was over it, which is fantastic. I have no idea why or how my feelings change so suddenly, but I woke up and saw everything that I don't need or even want. I recovered memories of everything that I'm looking for and now it seems ridiculous to me that I ever even thought that I was looking in the right direction.

I've been pretty silly about things recently... forgive me love.

Sunny outside... sunny inside... I love being over it.


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